Some body please take this knife out of my heart.
Last night I have a beautiful experience that help me out so much to go on, cus I was praying like never before in my life to God, to help me to deal with this sadness.
I didn`t know sadness was able to kill you, but it really can. Is like i didn`t want to live no more. I was so scare. I want asking to be taken too. Ro knows, he told me couple of hours before to pass, that he was so sorry for me, that i have to promise him i will try and go on, that death is the more secure thing a human have if born. I told him not to worry for me, that i know i will be sad but i will go on. I didn`t know what i was talking about. This sadness got me, and hit me, and strangul me. Took me by surprise and i can`t srop crying. I start having nightmares and wake up crying. My heart, my soul, just calling his name. My love, the kid i love the most in this world was gone. I can`t believe it. Just gone. My brain didn`t want to process all this. I hate so much the person who hurt him. I want to kill that guy. My heart get full of hate. I was going crazy. I didn`t know what to do. I even start to think stupidities in my head. I want to die too.
Everything remember me him. I was missing him. His smile, eyes, odor, hair, laugh, company, hugs, kisses, loving care, pain, omg, everything. His hands, his breath, skin, to sleep at night, to kiss him in the morning. Why i get my self into this? Why i decide to love him? Just love came and assault my heart. If you love much, you will suffer much. Why to love? why if you going to suffer so much if that person just go for ever? He was just 14. He didn`t have a girl friend. He never kiss a girl. He was all frustrated because he didn`t have too much pubic hair and a little penis. He never even get to masturbate just because all the meds and chemicals in his system kinda slow down lots of develoment process in his body. I will never know his kids. I will never be in his wedding. No prom. No collegue. Why the fuck you allow him to live God!!!
I just lay down in my bed looking to nothing. I didn`t want to eat. My parents were worry. Pastor come to talk to me. The therapist. I didn`t want no body telling me nothing. I just want my love back. Just walking around like a zombie. Just missing him like i never have missing no body before. I miss him. Oh God how much i do.
But God is always there and help. He send me a little buddy. A little 13yo boy, that once promise me he will be my friend. His dad works with my dad. He was the first gay boy i have get so close in my life. No because i got nothing against gay people, just because i didn`t understand a lots of things about them. And after what happened to ro, i wasn`t kinda pretty open the be friends with gay people, but the person that hurts ro was a sick one. It won`t matter if gay or not, it a sick person. And he didn`t stop calling me and coming to our house. It was no problem with me. We talk and resolve few misunderstandings at the begining of the relationship. He ask me that he want to stay with me. My dad told my that why not, that if i really was comfy with him, just let him know. And i did one of the best desicions in my life. I just told my dad to call him, that yes, for sure i want him with me. We have andres with us now, is just love. Andres have fill my life with happiness, but he is too kid. I know i would share lots with Andy, and what Andy heva bring to my life is something i never forget. Andy have just taking me as his brother. He is the one i cry on, the one who pray with me, the one to take my hand and tell me to go to walk to the beach, the one who understand my sadness and just seat on my lap, or lay down besides me and with out saying nothing, say all. Just hug me and kiss me. Just look in my eyes and tells me that we will go on. Andy is just awesome. Andy is just love. Because is a gay boy? I don`t think so. Because is pure, loving care, honest, kind, strong. Because is a beautiful human being. I`m in love with Andy. He is my love now. He have become the little brother i never have. He come from God to be there for me, to help to take this sadness away. I will miss ro till the day i die. He will live for ever in my heart, but i`m grateful to God for send a friend to help me.
My heart bleeds for the kids and adults, for the human beings that haven`t been rise without the love they were suppose to. I think expressive love is part of the package of the human. I think that we the humans, in some place in time, broke that secuence and stop passing love to the next generations. I think a human without hugs and kisses, will grow incomplete and with lots of emotional issues. And i don`t understand why is so hard to do it. If my dad doesn`t hug me and kiss me at least 10 times a day, i complain. My mum as well. Expressive love is a so natural thing in my family and i`m so grateful for it. So, why don`t start doing it? Why don`t you start little by little, just giving an smile to some body? or in your family. With a little effort we can start doing something about it and try to make this planet a better place to live. Don`t you think?
Well, i guess i did have something to say. I hate this swings moods. I guess will get better.
See kids? This sadness I`m going through, I don`t want any of you go through the same. And for the pain, anguish, sadness and all Ro went through. I don`t want you to trust no body, bur i want you to learn who to trust to. Be careful out there, is a lot of sick and evil persons just waiting to have the oportunity to hurt you. Sad to say but is truth.
Parents, if you read this blog, think. Try to give your kids a little love and be aware that evil is out there. I`m not trying now to comunicate a collective paranoic situation. I just want for you parents and adults, to open your eyes and protect us better. Parents, you don`t want to go through for what ro parents, my parents, our families and me went through with Ro. Don`t be blind, open your eyes and stop abusing us, bullying us, mistreating us, we have the rights to be loved and good care.
Don`t stop your prayers for us please.
I love you all kids.
Hugs,
luc
No comments:
Post a Comment