I feel loved and at the same time like i got nothing inside me. Scare of the night and the new day, and at the same time grateful for the new day.
I`m in a new stronger medication for panic, anxiety and stress. Really hope they work cuz my heart sank every time i know i got a new pill, i don`t want to be groggy all day, i just melt when i saw my eyes in the mirror this morning, it was like if i was looking to another person, i didn`t recognize my own eyes, just weeping like an idiot in front of the mirror `till cas saw me and just wash my face and brush my teeth, undress me and dress me up, and told me "remember we made a deal? i`m holding you and you fight; but now is a new deal, i`m holding you and fighting with you cuz is my fight too, are you agree Robert Mentzy? (yeah, this is my full name), cas never lie to me but when he calls me by my full name is for me to pay attention, i told him "cas, that`s what your been doing all the time, you made it yours, i`m yours, i don`t belong to me no more, you took me from my self and made me yours, and just start with out asking me to protect me under your wings, to take care of me, to love me with that big heart of you, cas....to keep me alive, you`re the one who keep me alive, God send you to me for me not to die, don`t you see that you are the reason why i`m still alive? i`m just letting you to carry me cuz i can`t no more" and i just crack right there. I just kinda get dizzy and he carry me to bed and seat holding me and told me "i love you, your my life". A lot of people send me emails, letters, and so, and start prising me and i ask my self if they have common sense at all or they`re blind. If you people, kids and adults, don`t see God`s mercy to me and that i`m still alive cuz He send cas to my life, with all respect, something is wrong with you.
Depression is so dark, i don`t even want to keep blogging, i obligue my self to blog and talk to kids cuz cas, i made my mind to lean on cas trusting God`s wisdom, cuz some times i don`t even feel any desire to keep going or even be alive, not that i`ve been thinking to take my own life, but just not to be alive. Life is so heavy for me, is kinda i`m so tired that i can`t keep carrying it.
My day start cuz cas wake me up, he start to caress my face and when i open my eyes his there just smiling, giving me a kiss and telling me anything you can imaging would be good for a kid in my same down, cas made my eyes teary every single morning out of love and gratefulness, i stare at him some times and my mind goes away, i stare at his eyes kinda to trying to see deeeeep in him, and every time i just see God in them, just tenderness and love, so much love, i start to ask him inside me like who are you? why you love me so much? who send you to me? you are just a kid, how you`re so strong? and on, when he catch me he just goes "what?", and me "nothing, just thinking", him "i love you too". Dunno, cas is too much for me.
I`m here typing with one hand seating on his lap and he just kiss me some times and hugging me all the time, wispering in my ear "go ahead, just type your heart out, is good for you", but then he starts to cry and if there is something is this world i can`t take is to see my parents or cas crying, like right now he`s crying and i don`t want to keep fucking blogging, i want to delete this fucking blog, i don`t want to do this shit no more o,90e45lpby\=
This is luc now on, sorry for those words cus is not him and i want to leave his post how it is.
I grab his arm and was trying to explain to him that he needs to understand that i`m a human being with emotions and is not possible for me not to express them, but he went ballistic and totally out control, shouting "let go of me, i don`t want to listen to that s**t no more" and on, kicking the computer desk and smashing the keyboard w/the cast, i move the power chair backwards and stand up, and he turn around and face me crying and shouting full lungs "no", hitting my chest with both arms and then just with his right fist `til wasn`t able to doit no more cus weakness, i let him doit cus i know the why and he doesn`t hit me hard, he`s too weak and no strength, and is good for him to take some pressure out, then just lean on me weeping hard and his arms hanging w/no strength even to hug me and sobbing "i love you".
I carry him to the recliner at the balcony and he just lay on me, hug me and rest his head on my chest `till pass out sleep. I carry him to bed and came back to finish, but i don`t know when will be the next one `cus i got a lot on me, but for sure i`ll keep every body post it.
We love u all.
Kids be safe out there.
Hugs,
luc
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