Robert: The best friend I ever had in my life. The most faithful, tender, strong, caring, sweet, with which I cried and laughed, which always comforted me so much love and affection, that I hope all my secrets and never betray me. That I love with all my heart. The one who always has a smile for me, a hug, a kiss. I do not live, I only exist, no sun, no stars or moon to me, my life has come to be a harsh winter, eternal night, I have no tears, my feelings have left me, not sleep, everything scares me I have no heart and, I have spent so much suffering for the damage that this man (do not want to call father because he died for me that day) did to you. My mother has no life, has been spent, it seems an old woman. My little brother has had to go to my grandparents house. Everyone at school whisper when they see me and point the finger at me as the son of the child sexual predator. Cursed be the day I was born, cursed the day I met you and invite you to my house, cursed the day that this man did so much damage you, damn the man who did it. Life has become too heavy for me and I can not stand it. Sorry to leave you and I hope you forgive me, please take care my beautiful friend of my little brother, because i trust you with my heart, but I want you to know that I love you as a friend can love another. I love you like the brother you has always been for me. Do not blame yourself for anything, because you did nothing wrong. This is my way of punishing the damned who hurt you. I will love you forever.
Paul.
This is the letter that Paul leave for robert the day he commit suicide.
Last night we asn`t able to sleep and i ask for permit to made a bone fire in the back yard w/ro. We were grant it w/the nurse supervision, but ro change his mind at the last minute and i decide to doit by my self, i get kinda piss off at him and he notice, but i told him that i need it and that i won`t go no where, just to the back yard. About 7:00AM hi shows up in the wheel chair and just leave the chair, stand up in front of me, pull down his pajamas pants, took his t-shirt off and craying hysterical ask me "do you really love this?", i was just shocked watching him, and i stand up and walk to him, but hi shout at me "don`t touch me", i told him "what i`m seeing is just an ugly cover that is fixable and i love w/my heart what is inside", hi drop on his knees crying, but it was a broken heart cry, the most deep, intense, desperate cry from a human soul i ever heard in my life, he hide his face between his hands and ask me "why do you love me so much? i don`t want you to love me this much, i don`t deserve you to love me, you love me so much that hurts, my heart cry out for you and i don`t want to, is bigger than me and i hate that, you over power me and i hate you for that, i don`t want you to love me no more, `cuz if you leave i know i will die and i don`t want to love no body no more", i drop in front of him and put my arms around him and told him " ro, don`t give me this shit `cus then you will die, `cus i`ll never gonna leave you", we were standing at this point and he start to hit me w/his fits in my chest and just crying and shouting "no, no, no", i just trap him w/my hug, don`t allowing him to move and just start to kiss him all around his face, this kid just start a braking heart loud shout w/the full strength of his lungs "aaaaaaaaahh, aaaaaaaaaaahh, i don`t want to love you but i do so much, please don`t die, please", i just carry him in my arms up stairs and lay down in a recliner at the balcony, he just lay down over me and i hug him `til we pass out sleep. We wake up `bout 9:00AM and i ask him "what was all that ro, what is it?", he told me "i know you`ll ask, i hate u know me so much and at the same time i love u more for it" and start to cry again, then "you don`t get it, don`t you? don`t you see how much i hate my self for making you go through all this suffering and bull shit of mine?", i told him "i`m here `cus i love you, you didn`t make me go through nothing", he shout back "why you always kinda have the the right fucking answer?", i say "`cus i fucking love you, and watch your mouth", he shout back "NO", and keep crying w/his head on my chest, then told me "i fund by mistake in my mum`s drawer the letter Paul leave for me the day he kill him self, they where waiting for the right moment to give it to me, i guess, and hurts so, so much, that i`m afraid to be alive, and to love you, and to love my parents, and i don`t want to love no body and no body to love me, the letter is in the drawer desk" and just explode in a cry again.
I read the letter and ask him to allow me to blog it and he just shrug.
I`m just holding him, is the first time in my life i heard ro talking like this, and specially to me but no hard feelings, no way, my bro is crush inside but he will heal, he`s strong, he will.
How sad Paul died this way, how sad how the actions of one man have destroyed so many lives.
Kids be careful, see how bad it is?
Tell somebody if you been abuse, please.
Ro, this one is for you from my heart.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtGF2m102Wg&feature=related
A big hug for every one, specially the kids.
From my heart to yours.
luc
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