Friday, June 10, 2011

MY HEART. Saturday, October 23, 2010

My heart goes to God for the immense privilege that so many kids want to call me "friend", i don`t deserve so grate honor, humbles me to the point that i have to drop on my knees and cry. I`m just a kid like you, i`m the one to feel so awesome to be your friend, i`m the one to open my heart, to take my heart and offer it to you all. Take it please, is yours, i don`t know what else i can give to you all, i`m yours, please accept me as your friend.
I`m not able to stop weeping, to the point that `cas have to take me away from the computer for me to calm down. So many emails, i`m spending 3 hrs. a day on the phone talking w/so many kids, some times i just can`t keep talking `cuz is so much damage done to those kids that my heart is just not mine no more, my heart is yours. I feel so bad w/my self for not to be able to handle all the demand is coming in for so many parents that wants help w/their kids and all the good they are getting just because they can talk to me, i just don`t understand cuz i`m just a kid like them.
My parents have to hired a home secretary to handle all the demands and calls from parents and institutions that want to do webcam w/us, and i say us `cuz `cas have the same thing cuz we`re together in this. I never in my wildest dreams thought that the simple idea to share my experience will have an out come like this, guess God has a purpose to this, but i just don`t gettit.
The Dept. of counsellors in our church is the one that my parents are refering all the demands for help, cuz i`m not able to handle it, i`m just a kid and i can`t w/the volume of calls and emails.
Our parents want to every parent to know that every email and phone call will be answer, our 800 line and the email account set up for this purpose is been transfer to the church and is now a 24/7 help line of help w/all the demands our blog have created.
All the contacts i`m not able to answer my self, please kids, understand the why, please don`t feel rejection or nothing like it, i wish i can have the power just to say a word and you all to heal, i swear, but i`m not God. Crush my heart just to think that any of you feel rejection or that no body cares cuz is not the case, is just simple, i`m sick and don`t have the emotional and physical strength to handle all of you, but don`t you ever think is `cuz we don`t care, `cuz we do.
Andres is just one of hundreds, i`m just get so moved w/him that i ask to have an special grant from my parents to give him time. `cas and i got limitations from our parents, from direct suggestions from our psychologist, pastors and my doctors. They know w/every single person we talk to, email with or do webcam. One of our parents is always present when we do webcams w/institutions, schools or programs. They give us some freedom when they know is w/close friends, like the ones are visiting us for the weekend.
I`m pretty happy the voice have spread but didn`t know how much demand would bring on us.

God, back to you. Your an incredible being. I don`t see my self giving my dad, or my mum, or `cas life for the life of the guy who rapes me, no way; but you send your ONLY SON to die for him, for me and for the human race, see? there`s when my brain start to melt, is too deep for me to handle it and hush start to came out from my ears and i have to stop. Then i learn that i don`t have to understand your mercy and grace, just to accept it by faith, and this is another deep one. But is the only way that i can explain the why `cas exist and how blessing i am to know him, but is such a great privilege, honor and blessing for me that humbles me to tears every time i think `bout this and try to get to the knowledge of the why i deserve it if i deserve nothing from you. See? there`s when the only way for me to doit is by the acceptance (not the understanding) of your grace and mercy, `cuz i don`t have another logic explanation possible for me of the why i got `cas. Some times i pass my hand through out `cas back looking for the wings. That much have this amazing, so beautiful heart kid,  impacting my life, to made me go this deep way trying to find an answer w/my 14yrs. old brain, that got nothing inside, talking to God in this way in my heart. `cas is kinda my self melt in him and we belong to each other, if this made sense, is how close our hearts are and is the most beautiful, powerful, sublime thing i`ve experience in my whole life to this precise second. I watch the video he post and when i start listening to the words, dunno, i felt like he open my chest and caress my heart with his. I just turn my head looking for his eyes and when i saw this beautiful face smiling at me, i just stand up and he all ready knows what my intentions were, he just step closer for me to reach him and i just hug him and weep and rest my head on his shoulder, when `cas hug me i`m scare of nothing in this world, is the same w/my dad.
All the kids were just w/tears coming down they`re eyes and then `cas magic happen, he just say to all our friends, common kids and all of them just went around us in a tight 6 kids hug and kisses to each others, omg, i just can`t stop weeping, `cas is the best, i wish so much every kid in need of love and pure friendship find a `cas in they`re lives.
You don`t imaging what this simple gesture of our 4 friends hugging and kissing meant for us, cuz these four kids have been molested, not so bad as i was, but as bad as a molestation can be for a kid. But this will be for tomorrow `cuz i`m pretty tired and the kids are waiting on me to go to the beach for a bone fire and `cas want me to stop for today, and who can say no to `cas, when he comes to me and round me tight w/his arms and give me a so tender kiss and w/the hug still tight and his face against mine just tell me "ro, please, don`t you think is enough for today, besides, we got friends to take care of and i`m missing out there", yeah, tears again and this feeling of extreme joy inside me that just `cas can made it happen.

I just love you kids.
A hug from us, and be safe.
rob

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