I FEEL BAD (by Andy)

Really bad and guilty.

I did something so wrong today and Luc was histerical.

I just heard him talking with Pa and thought wrong. But is because I`ve been dealing with lots of things inside me. I`m not sure about my sexual preference. This is so confusing. Then, I just took the laptop and went to a hide out we got by the beach. I start to chat with pa on messenger and leave my cell in the bedroom. Luc was trying to contact me. I know he loves me, but I`m afraid of my feelings, so afraid to hurt him or something. I don`t know why I think this way some times.

Pa told me he wants to talk to me and I accepted. He ask me where I was and I told him. He was thinking I was trying to do something stupid, because I have had attempted against my own life twice before, but I promise my self not to go back there ever again.

When he reach me, he all ready have told security to call 911 and our parents. He was desperato and the first thing he did was search me and open my mouth and taste my tonge. Then is when I understood why he was doing it. He got a pretty strong prescription of sleeping pills, and they have a particular taste. I hug him and start to cry so bad. He just went ballistic. He was hugging me, but he never have talk to me in this tone before. He was really upset. But I understood thought. He just lift me and took me to the ATV and we went back to the house. The paramedics get at us half way and Luc explain to them. Then he went and count how many pills he got left and told them that it was ok.

He doesn`t use the pills every day, but keep the accounting of them. I know is because me, but I never have told him nothing. I can`t say the tought didn`t cross my mind. I know he just love me, and I`m so happy for it.

Our parents get home and the explanations start. Then they call Luc and ask him what was his point of view  about all this. Luc told them that he have told me all the time, that he loves me and will love me, no matter my sexual preference, and that he hope, they were thinking the same way. They told him they were, and I just jump on him. If I cried bad at the beach, it was nothing compare with this. I explode hugging him. He ask if we were allow to be dismiss and they told him ok. My parents stood up, his parents and uncle Robert as well, and just hug him and told him he did the right thing. I heard my dad thanking him for loving me.

I didn`t want to let go of him. We went to our bedroom. He pushed the reclainer inside, and we just snuggle there looking at the ocean. He apologize to me because the way he talked to me back by the beach and makes me promise him, that I will never try to attempt against my life. That if I do that, he can not guaranteed he will live too much longer. He told me "I love you with my life. I will not be able to take another hit Andy. Did I make my self clear?". I start to cry again and ask him to please forgive me. He did not said nothing. Just kiss me, hug me tight, and I pass out sleep. He wakes me up like 30 mins ago.

I didn`t meant all this. Thanks God Andres and Steve were at Jessy`s home. I`m so ashame.

Sorry Luc. Instead keep being here for you, knowing what your going through, look what I did. I don`t know, but I don`t understand my self at all some times. I`m so upset at my self right now.

Love you Luc.

Sorry kids. Just pray for me.

Andy