?. (by Lucas)

I don`t know what`s going on with ro.
He haven`t spoke a word since last night. Last nit i told the nurse to call he`s dad `cus ro was dreaming and crying at the same time and i get scare `cus he didn`t wake up. My heart is tear off, i don`t know anything `bout psychology but i can feel he`s sadness and pain, he has physical pain, but the kind of pain i feel is another kind, is in his heart, in his soul, deep inside him. He was talking to Paul, to the kid that pass away and to me. What he was saying is pretty deep for me. He was asking me to please, not to leave him too, dunno what ro is talking `bout, `cus have never cross my mind to leave him.
He just don`t want to talk to no body, not his parents, the nurse, his doctor, even my, he just node to me "yes" or "no". He doesn`t want me to leave the bedroom, he want to be kinda of feeling contact w/my body all the time, when i move to the desk this morning to take breakfast, he just leave the bed and use the walker to get to the chair desk, i just look at him trying to figure what he wants; i leave the chair and help him to seat then he extend his arms to reach me and i thought he want to hug me, but he just want me to seat in front that way he`s able to hug me and just rest his head on my back, we were like that until i finish breakfast. It was the same when i move to the desk to do homework and when i finish and start to stand up to go to the bathroom, he just grab me so tight that i just can`t move, i told him that i just want to go to pee and i`ll be right back, then he loose but holding my hand for me to help him to stand up, he place his arm around my shoulders kinda leaning on me to walk w/me and i ask him "d u need to pee too?", he just was standing there looking at me for `bout 3 mins. `til i ask him "ro, what is it?", he motion to the desk and write in a blank sheet "please don`t leave me" in big letters `til fill it up and suddenly start to smash the pencil all over the note pad sheet, like stabbing motion `til i have to grab his arm and told him "ro stop, drop the pencil, please", he did and just hug me shaking so violent and crying that the nurse, that was watching the situation, decide to call his parents, they rush to the bedroom and start to talk to ro and to try him to let go of me, but he was just grabbing me so tight that they were having a hard time trying, rob`s dad told the nurse to shot him w/a sedative, but i just shout out to every body "STOP", please, i want every body out of the bedroom rit now, i`ll call you in few mins., trust me, please. Rob`s dad took every body out and i just talk to ro, i told him that i want to seat w/him in the power chair to go out to the balcony, that i don`t know what he was talking about `cus never have even cross my mind to leave him, that i don`t know what was going on but to hang on tight and keep fighting `cus we were in this together, that this is not just him but we, our fight, our war, and that i never will let him go, that i`ll be here holding him for ever, and is when he start to let go and we seat in the power chair, i call his dad and they just hug him and kiss him, i told his dad that he didn`t spoke a word to me, that i just talk to him and to please bring us the lunch up stairs `cus i want to take lunch w/ro not home, to please call my mum and let her know and to call my dad and let him know what happen and that i want him to come home asap `cus i need him, he just told me "you got it Lucas, but i want to know if u ok", i told him that "yes, i`m ok, believe me, please, don`t worry `bout me", he answer "sorry Lucas, we love you and we do worry `bout you", they just so loving care sweet parents, they hug me and went down stairs, i went out to the balcony w/ro and just hug him watching the sea and beach.
He start to write w/his finger in my arm "please don`t leave me" over and over and i can feel his back contracting against my chest when he start to sob, but was a very quit sob, a deep painful sob, a knife in my heart every time i see him suffering like this, i just hug him tighter and told him, "remember what i told u? i`ll never leave you, promise". I told him "i don`t know why u been telling me that over and over again today, but take ur time and let me know when your ready, i`ll be here, i`ll go no where, promise" and for the first time since last night he spoke out and told me "i love u `cas", he felt my abs contraction, cus even i wansn`t crying out loud, but tears went down my eyes, he move and turn his head and i told him "sorry, u know i don`t like u to see me crying but i can see the sadness and pain ur going through and pretend that i won`t show any emotions `cus i just can`t, your pain is just killing me, what is it ro?", he answer me "i know and i promise to tell u when ready `cuz i haven`t told no body yet, just don`t stop loving me `cas, please", and he pull the nob for the back rest to go as flat as possible and just lay down over me resting his head on my chest, i turn the chair for him to be able to see the sea and he just kiss me, hug me tighter and get comfy.
Dunno........but is a BIG battle he`s fighting inside him, i can see it in his eyes, i can feel it from his heart, dunno how but i do.
Dunno what gonna happen w/the blog, he doesn`t feel like blogging and nothing, he don`t want to do nothing.
Dunno what to do besides be here for him and pray `cus i never going to turn my back on him, ever.
2:52PM Lunch time and a new male therapist for ro and me for desert, hope will help.

Well, the therapist is a kool guy. He explain to me in a way for me to understand what`s going on w/ro, ro is going through a deep depressive and mourning time and he needs me more than ever, ro is kinda letting go now a lot of suppressed emotions all together, in a time that his health is not at his best and this made everything more delicate and complicated for him to go through, so , he think that `cus he lose Paul, for some reason is gonna lose me too, that is what i understood. Ro`s parents and mine want me to meet w/the therapist 3 times a week as well as ro. Our parents going to meet w/him twice a week. I`m pretty happy `bout this meetings `cus i was getting worried `bout what was going on and how to respond to the different situations. He`ll be on call 24/7 for me to talk to him, this is pretty kool, and the meetings will be here which is better.
He told me just to do what i`ve been doing, just loving him in the way i do, and that he wish to have fund a friend like me when he was my age, that not to worry just to ask him and tell him `bout any odd conduct ro may have. That he`ll be crying a lot, having nightmares and sleep talk, some times will be just quit, will be hugging me and trying to be close to me all the time, that he`s pretty insecure, emotional vulnerable and very susceptible, that he may start to cry for the silliest things or for something i say, that doesn`t mean i did or say something wrong, that is just his emotional state at the moment.
I`m pretty relief rit now cus at least i understand some of the issues and is no effort for me to love ro, i love to love him.
Ro is w/the therapist, which was hard for me to convince him that he have to be by him self, but the deal is that i`m seating in the balcony and he can see me through the glass door.
I don`t know if he`ll blog later or will blog at all, i`ll ask him later `bout this to know what he got in mind. I want him to doit just `cus you kids, cus i think is worth it, but to be honest, is kinda getting too heavy on me, dunno kids, sorry but is what i got in my heart rit now.

Just keep praying for us.
Something for sure is that we love you and want you safe and taken care of out there.
Hugh for every one of you.
luc