14. (by Lucas)

I feel like the most stupid person in the world.
What a mess i did.
Rob and i made the deal to blog everything for the sake of other kids, but i souldn`t be more careful.
I didn`t know that rob didn`t remember `bout the incident this morning, specially the part when he was ready to attack me w/the tennis racket. I was in the toilet when i heard him getting crazy crying and yelling and just saying "nooo, noooo", i heard the commotion and every body in the bedroom but i wasn`t able to go out `cus i have to finish, when i came out, this kid just start at me yelling "i love u, i love u, please, i didn`t mean it `cas", over and over, i start to cry all ready just watching in that condition, it was something totally out of control, his dad was holding him and my parents were there too, i was all ready scare `cus i swear, i thought that he was in a dementia crisis or something, i ask my dad that what was going on and my dad told me that he read my blog post from this morning and he didn`t know that he`s the one who broke his laptop and almost attack me, omg, i just went crazy and jump on him telling him that everything was fine that i know he didn`t mean it, that as soon he heard me he just drop the racket handle and that i didn`t mind that, that he didn`t hit me, he was just hysterical, crying and yelling, repeating the same thing, i was just hugging him `till he calm down, sorta.
Then i leave the bed to go out and get some fresh air `cus i was so piss off at my self that i need to go to the beach to walk for a while, but he just grab me and i explain to him that i need 15 mins. w/my self, he just told me "promise" and i just told him "yes, i promise", and went out. My dad stop me in my way out and i just hug him so tight that he ask me, "Luc, r u ok?, take ur cell w/u and placed on vibrator", i told him "yes, dad" and took my cell and went to the beach.
I just start to walk and cry `cus ro just crush me bad some times, and i forgot to place the cell in vibrator. My dad always told me to do that when i`m going to the beach `cuz the sound of the sea waives made impossible to hear the cell ring.
I don`t know for how long i walk, but i realize that i have to go back, i was in my way back and suddenly come to my mind the cell, when i took it out of my pocket to place it in vibrator i saw that i got 5 calls from my dad, omg, i call him and he told me that where i was and if i was ok, that he and rob`s dad where at the beach looking for me and they wasn`t able to see me, i told him that sorry, that i wasn`t that far and that he scares me, that was going on, my dad calm down and told me that everything was ok, to just hurry back to them at the point they were, i didn`t know what was going on, but i know that something was going on, i just run all the way back and in `bout 3 mins. i was able to see rob`s dad and mine standing at the beach. My dad hug me and i step back and check they`re faces and ask them, "ok, what`s going on and don`t tell me that nothing", my dad told me "listen luc", but he can`t continue `cus i get real hysterical, yelling at him " is he dead? is he dead?", he have to grab me by my shoulders and kinda shake me and told me "stop, son, he`s not dead, calm down, he just need you w/him rit now `cus he`s thinking that ur going to do the same thing Paul did and is in bad shape asking for u", i didn`t listen too well the last of his sentence, i just run like crazy to the house and start calling his name out loud as i was getting close to the house, he was in the balcony crying and yelling at me "i`m sorry `cas, i didn`t mean it, i love u", omg, i just took the step 3 by 3 and went straight to the balcony and hug this kid w/my heart, he hug me so bad that took skin out my back and i start to bleed, `cus i was shirtless, he was crying bad and telling me that i told him that was just for 15 mins. that don`t do that to him again, that he gets scare when he`s not able to see me, omg, i didn`t mean to do this thou, i just want to take a walk and didn`t know he was in this state of mind, so fragile, i told him that i was so sorry, that i didn`t mean to made him feel like that, and that never think that what happen to Paul will happen to me, and when i say that he start to shake so bad and went in a kinda long cry and frost w/his mouth open, but wasn`t able to inhale, and i get desperate and shout loud at him "RO", and is when he just bend on me and release the cry w/so much pain that i explode crying, i lift him and hug him and start kissing him and passing my hand all around his face and head, he just start telling me "i don`t want u to die, i don`t want u to die", i just was telling him "i know, i know, but i don`t going to die", omg, how much this kid is suffering, i didn`t mean to spend so much time, i didn`t kow he will react like this.
So, first he read the blog post i did and then i spend too much time taken the walk and was worst. omg, i feel so terrible, i didn`t mean to do all this mess.
The nurse suggest rob`s dad to shot him w/a sedative and ro`s dad then ask me that what i think `cus every body knows i don`t like him to be shot if not necessary, "but my God, i`m not a doctor" was my answer, he just smile and told me "i know Lucas, but i trust u about somethings w/ro that nurses, `cus you know him better than the nurses and in few thing better than us, and we`re his parents, so, you think he can handle it w/out any sedatives right now?", i start kinda sob `cus Mr. Robert just move me, but he came to us and hug us and kiss ro and me and told me " no need to cry son, we trust you because we love you and we know how much you love rob, we thank God every day for the fact that He send you to our son, we never be able to pay you back Lucas, because you are priceless", omg, omg, i was just w/a knot in my throat, i just hug Mr.Robert so tight and rob`s mum came and they just hug me so tight, after all the mess i did they just telling me all this things, i really don`t understand adults too much some times, i call for my parents and they just rush to me and then every body was w/tears coming down, ro just told me "remember what i told you few days ago, that one of the things why i love u is `cus u have the magic to get people close to each others?", i just kiss him, there`s nothing else i was able to do.
I really don`t feel comfortable when ppl start trying to made me someting special `cus i`m not. All this things just humble me and my face gets all red, i don`t like that.
I better need to work in to be careful how to deal w/ro and the way i talk to him.
I think that i shouldn`t blog some details.
Well i told Mr. Robert that i thought ro will be fine w/out the shot and he`s fine rit now, we have a long chat and he promise me to work in some issues `bout me leaving him.
The therapist was here which was pretty good and i`m more relax `bout what happen today.
Ro have a long way to go, but i think we going to make it, i know there will be rough days, but i fear nothing, God is on our side.

Today is a happy day for me `cus u r 14.
You are my best friend ever, you got a place in my heart `till the day i die.
You been teaching me in the last 11 month of my life values that last for ever.
You just don`t say things, you do things.
I thank God so much you made it to 14, there were times when i thought that i was going to loose you, but you always made it through.
Your my warrior, your my hero.
I know i`ll see that beautiful smile of you shinning again, we`ll be at the beach getting fun again, scubadiving, church, camping, school, tennis, basketball, just hanging out and enjoying the sweetness, the warmth, the loving care of your friendship.
You mean the world to me.
I`ll never, ever leave you, your heart feed mine, my heart will die w/out your`s.
My love for you is overwhelming, take my breath away, crush me, moved me, made my cry, made me laugh, made my heart to bet fast, my chest want to explode of sadness, but of happiness too, i need to see your face every day `cus i`m not able to start w/out it, your the most loving person in this world for me.
I pray my God to keep covering u w/His mercy and grace `till the day u die, to be w/u in every trial u will have, to comfort u, to give u wisdom,and valor to confront ANY thing and came out a winner, to give u a good woman and kids that made ur life happy.
I will love u for ever ro, this not will end here `cus i`m hoping we`ll see each other in an eternal life and be together for ever and ever, and ever, and ever.
I`ll be here for you ever.
I wish u a so very happy birthday today.
My heart is singing `cus u r 14.

I love u Robert M, w/my whole me, for ever.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RO.

luc