Is so hard for my to put my thoughts together lately, i got so many things in my head i want to blog but can`t find the way how to doit, one thing is been bothering me is the news of few teens and pre-teens boys that commit suicide `cuz the bullying from other teens. WHY? You kids aren`t able to just express your points of view `bout the issue and respect the rights of the others kids? You`re not necessarily have to agree w/others points of view, ways of life or sexual orientations, but they`re humans beings. I think that the way kids behave says a lot `bout the parents. Parents teach your kids to be tolerant. Just amaze me the way that "professionals in education" (teachers, counsels, principals, PRIESTS, YOUTH PASTORS, PASTORS, PSYCHOLOGISTS, and others that are so proud of they`re Colleges and Universities Titles) are doing SO LITTLE or NOTHING about this. If you kids think that been a gay or a lesbian kid is a sin, please, hate the sin but love the sinner. There is nothing in this world that give you the right to bully on another kid or human being for this reasons. NONE.
I don`t agree w/a lot of things in this world, but i`m not going around w/a gun shooting people `cuz that.
Dunno, but i`ve been pretty sad for this untimely deaths.
Beside this i`ve been in pain ( my partner), uncomfy nights and a lot of frustration for more limitations i brought to my self when try to take a shower w/out the help of my dear `cas.
Just watching the days going through w/out noticing any progress. The nightmares, desire to do nothing, the anxiaety to experience some change in my emotional behavior when need to do #2, the panic which came dunno from where, the pain so deep in me `bout Paul, the uncontrollable wrath that some time posses me, desires to destroy things, tears that came out w/no reason and over all this complain of mine, the shocking webcam i did today w/an 12 yrs. old boy from Spain, were he was telling me `bout the rape he was getting from HIS DAD, since he was 10 yrs. old., `till 5 month ago. I can`t imaging cuz there are no words for me to describe the pain in the voice of that little, so beautiful kid, you have to listen to feel it, is the only way. I wasen`t able to speak, i still got a knot in my throat, my heart is not inside me no more, i`m numb. I GOT NO PROBLEM COMPARE WITH THIS KID. What happened to me is NOTHING. Oh GOD, i never in my life have experience so much sadness and hurt, (i`m just weeping and can`t even see clear what i`m typing but i have to vent this `cuz if not is going to kill me), he has a so big, beautiful black eyes and when he start to talk to me, he don`t even want to look straight to the camera, i say "hi Andres, i`m so happy to meet you", he, w/his head down "hi robert", me "how old r u?", him "i`m 12", me "i would like to be your friend, do u want to be friends?" him "nodding", me "but Andres i`ve been told u r a very nice kid, why u don`t want to be friends", him "cuz i never had one", me "oh, but i teach u, is not hard to learn. Would you like to try?" him "i`m ugly and
stupid, you won`t want to be my friend when you know", ( there are kids that been abused and my parents tell me before talk to them they`re names, generals and what will be good for the kid to know `bout me etc., but no body told me `bout this one, actually every body was speechless when Andres even answer me w/audible voice, he just don`t speak, just writing down and signals, they`re been trying Andres to talk to me before, cuz he`s been in the webcam sessions, but he always refuses it `till today that he was told i broke my arm and have a cast in my left arm), i know what he meant when he told me "when u know" and i told him, "i`m going to tell you what happened to me first `cuz maybe you don`t want to become my friend either" and i just told him what happened to me, i saw tears coming down his face but wasn`t able to see his eyes `cuz he was keeping his head down all the time, then he told me "my dad did the same to me but he never try to kill me, he did it almost every day and keep me tight up to a tree in our back yard as soon as i came from school for a long time and i was hurting all the time, he spank me hard for no reason and told me that if i say a word about that, he`ll doit me w/a piece of wood, he told me he was doing that to me `cuz i`m ugly and stupid" and for the first time he rise his head and ask me "r u still want to be friends w/me roberto?", and is when i saw a face i`ll never forget for the rest of my life. Is a so expressive face, you can see all the pain that this beautiful, fragile, little kid is going through, i wasn`t able to speak and my dad and the moderator in Spain ask me if i was ok, if i want to continue the session `cuz they realize i was shaking and i didn`t realize i was, i was in a state of rage, sadness, frustration and a lot of emotions all together inside me. Andres start to cry openly when he saw me in that state and is when i start to answer him saying yes w/my head, they start to close the session but i told them to please, stop `till i compose my self enough to be able to speak again, and i told him that yes,
i really want to be friends and that i`ll talk to him today (`cuz i ask my dad to allow me to talk to Andres often, my dad will set up w/the moderator) and that we can talk by the phone anytime he wants. We end the session
and my dad talk to me `bout this `cuz he want to be sure i`ll be ok, so, i have to go through a burocratic process of permits in order to be able to talk to Andres, starting w/my psychologist. My dad notice i was pretty up set `bout all this always process and ask me "son, tell me what is bothering you, please", i answer him "dad, is not that i`m a rebel is just that i feel kinda a prisoner, is like i don`t have any control of me as a human being, i`m feeling like a robot that any body can come and take the remote control and made me do whatever they think is ok w/out even asking me how i felt `bou it", and i was sobbing bad at the end of the sentence out of frustration, my dad is just awesome he just lift me from the power chair and hug and kiss me, then he seat in the chair w/me on his lap and ask `cas "Mr. Horneck, would you allow me to take my son for a ride in the power chair Sr.?" `cas just team up w/my dad and say "well Mr. M, i`m not usually allow ro to go out w/strangers, but i got pretty good references of u and i`m going to be flexible this time but don`t make a habit of it, and be aware not to get an speed ticket", my dad can`t content the laugh at this point and answer him "thnxs very much Mr. Horneck, i`ll tell your dad `bout ur kindness and good sense of safety", `cas and i were just laughing at this point and dad ask `cas "Mr. Horneck, would you like to join us in this ride Sr.?", `cas wasn`t able to answer no more and just seat on dad`s lap and we went to the beach and all around the property, we were sharing for `bout an hour.
Back to the house my dad explain to me that he understand how i feel `bout all the decisions others have to take `bout me, that he`s sorry i feel like that, but to trust him `cuz he have to provide the best for me and at the same time be watching over my well been, that no body made decisions to hurt me but to help me and "you`re my life son, you`re the person i love the most in this world, you`re my soul robert i want you know and remember this always, you`re my son and i love you", i know this but is always good to heard it, i just hug my dad and we went to the balcony `till dinner time.
God thnxs for my dad. Dad thnxs for be my dad, i just love u so much dad.
Let`s see what the psychologist say. I got Andres in my heart and want to talk to this kid as much as possible.
I start this one `bout 10:30 PM last night and have to stop `bout 1:30AM. I start `bout 9:30AM and is 11:11AM, is a pain in the butt to type w/one hand.
`cas is back from the 2 exams he got this morning, as i can see in his face he did good, as usually.
He`s free for the rest of the weekend now which i`m so agree and we have 4 friends coming over for the weekend, they`ll be here `bout 4:00PM, let`s see how`s goes.
There are so many kids and adults crying out for love, even if some humans aren`t able to give it or receive it, is not an excuse not to give it away, but you got to give it w/out expecting to receive something back, `cuz pure love is like that, when you give it w/out interest, w/out trading, is when works.
Kids the power of love is awesome and free, doesn`t cost a penny to give it away. We are the next generation, let`s try to do something to change this world, this evil, this hate, this suicides, we can made a big difference just expressing some kind words to another person, giving a hug, giving a kiss, saying sorry, i`m with you, i`m praying for you, giving a phone call, inviting to your house to share w/ur family, inviting to your church, youth groups, just to ride your bike, to take a walk, to the movies, to play video games, to pray together, to watch the sun rise, to the beach and on. WOULD YOU TRY, PLEASE?
A hug to every one out there, specially kids that been abuse.
Un abrazo graaaaaaaaaande para ti Andres, no sabes que feliz me has hecho por querer ser mi amigo. Te quiero Andres.
Don`t stop praying and don`t be afraid to express love.
From my heart to you all,
rob
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