Cuz i don`t even know what to say.
Cuz i`m out of words or thoughts.
Cuz mind i totally blanc.
Cuz i`m numb.
Cuz everything together and is confusing inside, with out no north or where should or want to go.
Is been 10 days since my mum pass away and im still numb.
But the why i`m blogging now is cuz something that happened this morning.
Cas and i were talking bout a lot of things i have to let out, then i ask him to help me to go out to the terrace out side our bedroom, cuz he talk to me, so deep to my heart and i feel his heart so sad and worry bout me not been able to stand up and go on as my mum would like me doing, that i decide to start trying.
I told him i don`t promise him more than to try, cuz i express to him my desire to just die, but with out taking my own life, and is how i really feel.
I know all those beautiful words of encouragement a lot of kids and adults have been sending me and i really appreciate them, but what really struck me was to learn that cas has lose 16 pounds in all this ordeal and it wasn`t even his mum, and few kids around my age that have been going through the same situation and felt the same i`m feeling and are alive and going on; and any of them told me was an ease thing to do, that they keep struggling with pain and depression, and the scare will be there for ever, but that they try and the wound heals and gets better by the day.
A 18 y old kid told me that i should see what i got and stop thinking in what i lost, that i will never forgot, but that don`t forget bout the others i got around me. That i should be grateful bout my family, that my dad is still here, that cas is waiting for me to start again, that he have promise to hold me for ever. That when his both parents and two little brothers die in a car accident, when he was 12 y old, he have no body and that he is still alive, is 18 old now, start college and have a beautiful girl friend. He told me too that every body mourn different and tragedies affect humans in different ways, but that the principle to stand up and go on is universal.
When cas finish to read me that email, i remember something i will never forget.
After i came from the hospital the last time, cas came in the bedroom with his mum, and took his mum hand and place it over mine and told me, "here ro, i`m giving my mum to you, she will be now on your mum too, she will be our mum". I will never forget this. And when i was with cas standing in the terrace, staring at the ocean, i hug him and told him how much that meant to me. Cas tight the hug and i heard him ask him something to God, "please God, allow him to feel my heart rit now in a way he can feel you too and the desire to live come back to him cus if not i will die with him and You know it", cas kiss me few times and hold my head against him self, i felt his cheeks all wet and realize he was tearing down, he was kinda desiring with his life to like pass, transfer to me something from him self and i start to feel it, it was kinda static electric, beautiful, strong, joyful, tender and i didn`t see nothing, but i was so certain that God Holy Spirit was there between us. I felt my legs like rubber and cas hold me tighter, and we start to run tears down and to a very soft joyful laugh that i never have experience before.
I`m not saying i saw an angel cuz i didn`t, or that i saw a thunder or nothing supernatural, cuz i didn`t. I`m not saying that im cure or that i will go on and will be all easy, cuz will not. I will have to battle hard and i will have good and bad days. But i`m saying that through the best friend i ever have, something happened at that moment that assure me that God will be there for me all the time, even when i think He is not, and that i have a friend that will die if i do and that i can count on him for ever; and you know what? I feel bless for that, and i will try.
I`m drain and dry.
Afraid of what is ahead.
No idea how or where to.
But i know i have a lot to live for and my mum wasn`t a quitter.
She was a warrior, she fought to the end, and i can allow my self to lay down on a bed to die, just like that.
Pray for me tho, please.
I promise i will fight this one.
I haven`t forgot bout any of you kids, you all are part of my strength.
Be safe out there. Don`t allow no body to abuse you. Stand up for your self.
Thanks for your prayers and support.
Hug and kisses for you all.
I love you all.
rob
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