saw it this afternoon. I just jump from my bed to the chair where my dad was seating, shaken badly.
When all finish and he told me what he told me, i ask `cas, "`cas, is always like this?", he told me "yes", i ask "don`t you get afraid of me?", he say "just the first time, as soon as u heard my voice u just calm down and go back to sleep, some times u just say "`cas, is that u? and u keep sleeping. That`s why i`m here, no friend has ever show me so much love, i know how deep is ur love for me, is the only explanation for u to calm down so quick, i can`t leave u `cus i love u the same way u love me, got me? do u got me ro?, i will never leave u `cus i love u, do u understand? do u?", he just got tears running down his face at this point, but what really hit me was the urge, close to desperation in the tone of his voice, his body language, it was kind of a plea; my dad`s eyes where wet and i got a knot in my throat, i was trying to say something but wasn`t able, i open my mouth and heard no sound coming from me, i just stand up w/my dad help and extend my arms to reach him, i just want to feel him, to hug him, to have him close to my heart, my soul, i kiss him i don`t know how many times, when that kid hug me i know i am safe, i feel his whole heart, love, care, tenderness, pureness, sincerity, loyalty, o m g, when i became able to say something, i just told him "i love u `cas, thnxs for be my friend, for love me, for be there for me the way your been doing it, i trust u my life, i didn`t know how much `til i saw the video, u just have to talk and i`m calm down, i just know that if is u, i`m safe, is like a magic thing that i don`t know how to explained to u, just happen like that", he just say "i`m so happy that u understand and i`m just praying that becomes to be a help for u".
And yes is a help, yes it is, but there is other issue that i don`t understand.
This emotional shots are good but don`t last longer, is kinda they go away so quick, is not like before, that they stay in my heart for ever, and keep me happy and full of joy, minutes later i just felt tears coming from my eyes for no reason, no reason at all, is like if i`m in a big pool of sadness, swimming trying to reach the edge but my efforts aren`t enough `cuz i`m going no where, they just keeping me not to drawn, i`m just in the same place at the pull, unable to advance, and tired, so tired.
I have interest in nothing beside to see my parents and luc and try to other kids don`t get hurt.
I`m scare, i`ve never be violent and lately i go through extremes waves of rage, and i don`t know why or against who. I just want to smash and destroy things, i`ve been having kinda rage attacks and `cuz i`m so weak and not able to lift a chair and smashed against the floor, the glass door or something, i just start kicking and punching my pillow, `till i get exhaust, which happen pretty quick, thnxs God.
I`m blogging seating on my dad`s lap, actually luc`s too, i`m on one leg and luc on the other one in my dad`s recliner, he`s just hugging us and encouraging me to blog, see, just this little thing made me cry, (oh dad, i don`t know what to say to express how happy and grateful i am to God `cuz your my dad, to say how much i love you, you are the most gentle, loving care dad ever, i`m so sure i have wouldn`t be alive if you weren`t my dad, thanks for be my dad, dad. Your part of my soul and my heart, just to heard your voice or see your face, i know i`m safe. I love you dad, your the most beautiful dad in the world).
Depression is dark, oh God how dark it is. I see no light at the end, i don`t even see a tunnel, is something like a heavy, heavy weight object on your chest, even w/all the love and support of family and friends, comes and hit me w/out any respect, rape me, smash me and come w/all the evil intention to kill me if i let her. Take all good desire out of me, even make me sick, come w/her cousin anxiety and take me by assault, i don`t know how to get rid of them. Just keep me on bed all day `till `cas,(the most powerful, bravest knight i ever had, just show in a beautiful black horse and start a battle w/a big sword w/a massive bright gold handle and a purple heart shape shield that hold w/ his left arm ) and just tell me so softly and gentle, giving me a hug and a so warm kiss "morning bro, how u feel today? c`mon, we got to take a shower and get ready to confront the day, no matter what, let`s win today`s battle, your not along, i`m w/u and i fear no body", and depression and anxiety retreat, but just to regroup and keep trying to assault my soul again.
I`m trying to made it by the hour, just is taken so much out of me, i`m so, so tired.
My dad is telling me that is enough for today, i should go to bed.
A hug and a kiss to any kid out there that is sad, feel lonely, don`t see any way out result of abuse. I want you to know that i know how it is and that i love you w/my whole heart.
Don`t stop praying, and i don`t know how, one way or another, but never, ever give up. I`m trying not to.
hughs.
rob
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